Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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