i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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