My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
