i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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