I cannot find my penis.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
