He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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