"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
