so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize