I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
