just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
