i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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