Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
