I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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