"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I can text with my tongue
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
