I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
where are my eyebrows?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
