Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
