At least make sure they are 18
Why
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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