So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
