I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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