I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
