I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
