I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
