I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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