I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
