she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
