ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
