Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
