There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
