whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
