i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
