I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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