I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
