So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
