he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
i now understand why vodka
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
