You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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