who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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