If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
