I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm passing your future prison.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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