that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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