why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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