I think i peed on brittanys purse
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
