So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
