We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
