did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize