My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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