i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
