Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
