i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
