He told me they were just razor bumps!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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