Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
