...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
