My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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