it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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