apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
