i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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