Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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