if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
